Step One: Regulate Before You Reason

In the heat of the morning struggle, logic won’t land. A dysregulated brain can’t access reasoning or motivation. What your child needs first is co-regulation, not correction.

Try saying:

“I can see this feels really hard right now. Let’s take a minute to breathe together before we figure it out.”

Or:

“I’m not mad at you. I know school feels big today. Let’s calm down first and talk after we’ve both caught our breath.”

Your calm presence communicates what words can’t: You are safe. I’m not your enemy.

Step Two: Stay Curious About the “Why”

Once your child is calm, resist the urge to lecture or fix. Instead, get curious.

Ask:

“What part of the day feels the hardest for you?”

“If I could change one thing about school for you, what would it be?”

“What does your body feel like when you think about going to school?”

The goal isn’t to get perfect answers—it’s to help your child build awareness and language for what’s happening inside them. That self-understanding is the first step toward healing.

Step Three: Collaborate Instead of Command

Traditional parenting responses—threats, punishments, or lectures—usually backfire with school refusal. They increase the child’s shame and sense of failure, which fuels more avoidance.

Instead, invite collaboration. For example:

“Let’s come up with a plan together. What would help mornings feel easier for you? Do you need more time? A quieter space to get ready? A break in the day?”

Give your child voice and agency. Even small choices—what to eat for breakfast, when to do homework, how to communicate with a teacher—restore a sense of control that trauma has taken from them.

Step Four: Partner With the School

Find an ally inside the school system—a teacher, counselor, or administrator who understands trauma-informed education. Communicate openly about what your child needs. Ask for:

• A designated calm-down space
  
• Flexible attendance or late arrival options if mornings are especially triggering
  
• Extra time for assignments
  
• A gradual re-entry plan if they’ve been out for a while

When the school joins the regulation effort, your child starts to experience school as a place that supports, rather than threatens, their sense of safety.

Step Five: Focus on Connection Over Compliance

You can’t force learning into a dysregulated brain. But you can build connection—and connection is what reopens the pathways for growth and motivation.

Some days, that might mean backing off academics to focus on relationship repair. Watch a show together. Take a walk. Cook something side by side. Every act of connection is a vote for safety in your child’s nervous system.

When they feel seen and safe, learning will follow.

Step Six: Watch for Hidden Depression or Anxiety

If school refusal persists, it may signal underlying depression or anxiety. Trauma-impacted kids often don’t have words for these internal states, so they express distress through behavior.

You can gently say:

“Sometimes when things feel too hard, our brain tries to protect us by making us not want to do anything. You don’t have to handle that alone. We can find someone who gets it.”

If your child refuses therapy, consider finding your own therapist for support. When parents learn to regulate their own stress, kids often follow.



The Bottom Line

School refusal isn’t about disobedience—it’s about distress. The goal isn’t to make your child go to school; it’s to help them feel safe enough to want to go.
Progress may look slow and nonlinear, but every moment of understanding, every calm morning, every small success builds trust in their body and in you.

You are not failing. You are helping your child rebuild their sense of safety in a world that has sometimes felt too hard. That’s sacred work.