Parenting Shame

Melody Aguayo • January 3, 2025

Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.

The phone was propped on my shoulder as I listened intently while my friend was describing her two-year-old son’s first public temper tantrum. Her first child had been very compliant and would not have dreamed of calling any attention to herself in public like that. She said, “I was shocked when I saw him on the floor kicking and screaming over something he didn’t get that he wanted. I was amazed at how quickly embarrassment flooded me.” Then the woman behind me in the line smiled and said, “Honey, they all do this. He will stop eventually.”

As she recounted her story, I felt tears roll down my cheeks even before the sadness hit me. I remembered what it was like when I had a toddler melting down everywhere we went. I couldn’t recall one time when someone was kind to me like that. At best people would avoid me. Often people glared at me and mumbled loudly under their breath. They mumbled things like, “She shouldn’t leave the house if she can’t control her kids,” or “He needs a whipping,” or they would turn to their own child and loudly say, “I am so glad you know how to behave in a store.” At times, because his behavior was so confusing and chaotic, people would gather around with cell phones ready, trying to determine whether or not they should call someone about this woman with the out-of-control child. I was shocked by how quickly I was flooded with emotions despite the years that have passed without a public meltdown. Although today I think about those times with sadness and even tenderness toward both of us, this momma who was struggling so much, and my sweet boy who was struggling even more, in those moments I remember feeling ashamed.

There were times when people, in an attempt to be kind, dismissed the behavior when I tried to explain it to them. This too made me feel shame. If every two, three, or four-year-old does this, then why I am so overwhelmed? What is wrong with me? When I told people that my son never napped, they said things like, “Oh, I have a bad sleeper too. I am lucky if he takes an hour nap.” They didn’t hear me. My son NEVER NAPPED, ever! For years he also slept poorly during the night, many nights as few as four hours. We were beyond exhausted.

There is a proverb in the Bible (Proverbs 10:1) that says, “A wise son brings joy to his father, but a foolish son brings grief to his mother.” This proverb strikes me as so interesting. Why is it that the author only mentions grief coming to the mother? The author was clearly aware that a mother’s view of herself is connected to how well her children are doing.

It is interesting because the more frequently I speak out publicly about parenting shame, the more I realize that every parent experiences shame to some degree. There is enough shame to go around. Mothers feel shame for not spending enough time with their kids, for choosing not to homeschool, for struggling with anger, for beginning the day badly or ending the day badly. There is no end to parenting shame. Working mothers feel shame for not spending enough time with their children. Stay-at-home moms feel shame for not enjoying the time they do spend with their children. I think that there is this expectation both from society and from ourselves that we should be able to “fix things”. Isn’t that a mom’s job, to teach her children how to behave? Even though most women would rally against that statement, they live as though this is a sacred truth. This creates a situation where you feel responsible for others’ behaviors even though you can’t control anyone but yourself. In this post, I am not referring to irresponsible parents who do not provide enough structure, supervision, or nurture for their children. I am referring to parents who have the tendency to be overly responsible.

Shame is immobilizing. Shame makes it impossible for us to be present with our children, and it brings about this sense of urgency to our parenting that is always unhealthy. It makes us focus on the outcome, which we can’t control, instead of the process, which we can. We can only control our own behaviors. Shame makes us want to isolate ourselves and lash out at those we love. Here are some things that I have found helpful in dealing with shame as a parent.

Identify Your Own Shame Triggers

The first step to dealing with shame is to recognize it and identify the people you are around, or places you are in, when you get triggered. Maybe it is your aunt who always raises her eyebrows when your child interrupts her, or the grocery store with the long lines where your child always acts out. Just identifying it accurately can take some of shame’s power away. Simply recognizing it is sometimes enough to stop the wave of anger that often comes after a person feels shame. Shame is very different than guilt. The message of guilt is “I did something wrong”. The message of shame is “I am wrong” (Dr. Karyn Purvis). In identifying your triggers, you can also learn to avoid them when possible.

Your Relationship with Your Child is More Important Than Anyone’s Expectations of You or Your Child

Remember the relationships that are long lasting. Do the right thing for the person with whom you will have a life-long relationship. Maybe the teacher communicates that she expects you to have a consequence waiting for your child after school. You experience shame when she tells you what your child did at school, but you know your child has already been punished. Always pick your child. You will always have a relationship with your child, and you may or may not remember his/her 1st grade teacher’s name in five years.

Good Repair Creates Intimacy

Remember that no one does everything right. There is no parent on earth who gets everything right. Every parent loses his temper at times, and even shames his child at times. There is no intimacy in a relationship if there is not restoration. These relationship ruptures are opportunities to increase our intimacy by making it right with our child. Whenever there is a rupture in the relationship, make sure that you restore things. Children are so forgiving even if you can’t physically restore something. Just saying, “I wish I would have done things differently. I made the wrong choice,” shows a child that you are willing to make it right. Restoration that is genuine, honest, and vulnerable draws a child even closer to the parent than before the rupture happened.

Don’t Get Too Far Ahead of Yourself

On another note, it is best to avoid thinking about the future which can be very overwhelming for a parent who is feeling immobilized. Just focus on one day at a time. What does your child need today? That is a question that even a very overwhelmed parent can answer. On the other hand, a question like, “What does your child need to learn before high school?” Is completely overwhelming for a parent whose child is struggling in kindergarten.

< Older Post

Newer Post >

Why Mindset Work Doesn’t Always Work for Our Kids (Or for Us) And what to do instead

By Melody Aguayo • June 26, 2025

We hear a lot about the power of mindset. From school posters to parenting podcasts, the message is clear: Positive thinking = success. And for the most part, mindset tools like affirmations, growth language, and gratitude journaling can be genuinely helpful.

Grow What’s Good: Why Focusing on Strengths Works Better Than Constant Correction

By Melody Aguayo • June 19, 2025

In parenting, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of constant correction. From the moment a child wakes up to the time they go to bed, there are endless opportunities to redirect, remind, and reprimand. But here’s the truth: constant correction rarely produces the change we hope for. Instead, it builds resistance, shame,

Staying Connected When Parenting Feels Like Survival Mode

By Melody Aguayo • May 30, 2025

We’re often drawn to our partners because they bring something different to the table. That difference might feel exciting in the beginning—balancing us out or offering a fresh way of seeing the world.

Siblings in the Shadows: Growing Up in the Background of Big Needs

By Melody Aguayo • May 23, 2025

“When will I get a brother who actually plays with me?” my daughter asked one afternoon, her voice casual but her meaning anything but. “What do you mean?” I asked gently. She replied, “You know, one who doesn’t get so crazy and can help me with stuff.”

Setting Boundaries with Hope: When Your Adult Child Causes Harm

By Melody Aguayo • May 16, 2025

Navigating abusive behavior from an adult child can feel like one of the most emotionally devastating and confusing experiences a parent can endure. Consider this: a 22 year old son is still living at home. He doesn’t allow his parents to require anything of him. If they do, he curses at them or breaks something. He is only pleasant when the food he wants is in the fridge and nothing is asked of him. He takes what he wants without permission and at times even pawns his parents things for cash. No one in the family feels emotionally or physically safe anymore.

Letting Go Without Giving Up: Finding Strength In Surrendering Control

By Melody Aguayo • May 9, 2025

The Toll of Control The constant striving to manage what’s outside of us leaves us emotionally drained. It creates a persistent hum of anxiety that dulls our joy and hijacks the present moment. We begin to measure our success by our child’s behavior or the approval of others. We get stuck in cycles of blame—blaming ourselves, our child, the school, the system, our family. We lose our ability to be curious and responsive because we’re too busy being vigilant and defensive. Over time, this wears down our confidence. We stop growing. We stop enjoying our children. We stop enjoying ourselves. What You Can’t Control It helps to name what’s out of our control. Here are some things you simply can’t manage—no matter how much effort you put in: Other people’s opinions and judgments. Some will misunderstand your parenting or your child. Let them. You don’t owe them an explanation. Their willingness to understand. You can educate and explain, but you can’t make someone unlearn their biases or do the work to understand neurodiversity. Who shows up. People you expected to lean on may pull away. Some will show up in imperfect ways. Accept the help that’s offered and let go of what others can’t give. How others react to your child. There will be awkward stares, insensitive comments, and even exclusion. You can’t control how people respond to what they don’t understand. The stories people tell about you. Everyone has an opinion. But unless someone is in the trenches with you, their advice doesn’t carry weight. What You Can Control While we don’t get to control everything, we’re far from powerless. There are meaningful, impactful ways we can lead: How we advocate for our child. The boundaries we set and maintain. The tone and energy we bring into our homes. How we respond to ignorance and insensitivity. Who we allow into our inner circle—and who we keep at a distance. This shift—from trying to control outcomes to focusing on what we can influence—is liberating. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process of unlearning, grieving, and slowly rebuilding.

Parenting; Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome

By Melody Aguayo • May 2, 2025

“Sometimes I think about writing a book about our own healing journey,” I told a friend of mine. She responded, “I think you should wait a while, and then you can write about how your kids turn out.” I didn’t have to think long before responding because it is something I had already considered. I said, “That sort of thinking implies that the process was worthless if the outcome isn’t perfect.” The process is what matters. Did you love your child well today? Did you encourage and connect with your child? Outcome parenting is parenting with certain goals in mind. Outcome parenting creates an environment where children feel as though they have to earn their worth, an environment where opportunities for joy are missed because the outcome the parent has in mind remains unachieved. Outcome parenting has few pivotal moments that determine whether or not the child/ parent has been successful. Examples of these pivotal moments would be making the travel soccer team, graduating from college, making the varsity cheerleader squad, staying in honors classes, marrying well, looking a certain way, having the right friends, etc.

Trauma, Boundaries, and the Battle for Safety

By Melody Aguayo • March 28, 2025

To Set Appropriate Boundaries, You Must Have an Experience of Safety Children who have experienced developmental trauma (in the womb or in early childhood) have an over-active arousal system. This means that even if they are safe, they don’t feel safe. This lack of understanding what “safe” feels like creates lots of boundary issues as they get older. The Under-Boundaried Kid “I feel like I can’t let my kid out of my sight.” “My kid would follow someone off a cliff.” “My kids would try any substance that was given to them. They literally have no sense of independence or safety.” These are the types of phrases I hear from parents with under-boundaried kids. These kids do generally well in the right environment, but if there are rotten apples in the bunch, they join them quickly in whatever activity they are engaging in. They may stay out of trouble until they get a phone, and then they begin to unravel at that point. The Over-Boundaried Kid “My child is always ready to fight.” “Honestly, I hate to ask anything of her. I would rather do it myself than deal with her attitude for every small request.” “My kiddo bosses everyone around. I am shocked he still has any friends.” “She doesn’t care if she breaks our rules or makes us upset.” “He just does whatever he wants.” These are some phrases I hear from parents of over-boundaried kids. These kiddos often avoid safety and seek danger out. Safety feels unfamiliar to them. Safety feels boring and eerily peaceful. Yes, kids can also move back and forth between being over-boundaried and under- boundaried as well, which is extra complicated.

Trapped in Toxicity: Protecting Children from Harmful Environments

By Melody Aguayo • March 21, 2025

Be a Good Parent-Detective No child will come to you and say, “I have been placed in a toxic environment where my growth is limited, and my feelings of safety are compromised.” They don’t have the ability to keep themselves safe. I’m always very irritated when I hear of Bully campaigns that put the responsibility on the victim for seeking help and telling adults. In an ideal world that would happen, but that is just not possible for most victimized children. It is the adults’ job to structure the environment for safety, not the kids’ job to keep themselves safe. You just have to learn to recognize the signs, and if you are confused, then go to the child’s suspected toxic environment and gather information. Volunteer in their school or Sunday School class and observe how your child is functioning in those settings. Don’t listen to other adults more than you listen to your child’s behaviors. No one will pay attention to your child the way you do. I have had so many parents say different versions of these statements to me over the years: “The teacher said he was well liked, but when I observed him in his classroom, I could tell he irritated everyone.” “The school counselor says he is doing fine, but anytime I show up at a classroom party, he is hiding from the other kids.” “The soccer coach doesn’t see any issues at all, but when I pick him up from soccer, he is so dysregulated that it takes me all evening to settle him down.” I understand there are times you can’t take a child out of a toxic environment. Let’s say the neighborhood kids are all mean to your kid, and moving is just not a financial option for your family. In these situations, we can do our best to build a hedge of protection around our kids with more structure. You can tell your child that they are not allowed to play with the neighborhood kids, and instead you can figure out a couple of play dates a week with someone who is kind to them. This will be more time and trouble for you, but this teaches your child that we say “no” to toxic environments and nurture safe ones.

How to get free childcare in the summer?

By Melody Aguayo • March 7, 2025

Sign up for every VBS within a 20-minute drive from your home. If you plan it out well and start early, you can end up with 6 or 7 weeks of free childcare. Plus, you have the added benefit of having your kids scream, “Hey, that’s our church!” every time you drive past any chapel in any direction. Do not hold me accountable for the annoying songs your children will sing loudly ALL YEAR LONG even if your eyes start twitching. And you know how you “lose” things you no longer want your kids to play with, watch, or listen to? Well, you can only “lose” two of the song CDs before your kids catch on.