Letting go might be the hardest thing we do as parents. And yet, parenting is a series of quiet, often heartbreaking goodbyes—each one necessary for our children’s growth and independence.

We let go when our toddlers wobble across the playground on unsteady feet.
We let go when we send them to preschool, unsure how we’ll survive a whole day apart.
We let go when they get behind the wheel and drive away for the first time.
We let go when we stay up late, watching their location on Life360, trying to resist the urge to text, “Are you okay?”

These moments are hard for every parent. But if you’re raising a child with mental health needs, trauma histories, or developmental differences, letting go isn’t just difficult—it can feel dangerous. The stakes feel higher. The fears, louder.

Why Letting Go Feels So Unsafe

Letting go is counterintuitive to our instincts. Control feels safe. It gives us the illusion that we can prevent pain or secure a good outcome if we just try hard enough. If we do everything right.

But the truth is, control is often rooted in fear.

And for parents of kids with complex needs, there is so much to be afraid of:

The fear of being misunderstood.

The fear of being blamed.

The fear of not doing enough—or doing too much.

The fear that our child will struggle, be excluded, or be judged.

The fear that we, as parents, will be judged.

In response, we clamp down. We monitor, manage, and micromanage. We try to anticipate every meltdown, prevent every disappointment, and protect our child from every social injury. But in our effort to control everything around our child, we often lose touch with the one place we actually have power: ourselves.

My Own Turning Point

I remember crying after a teacher told me I was damaging my son’s self-esteem by comparing him to his siblings. I hadn’t. But the implication that I was the cause of his pain devastated me.

I wish I could go back and hug that version of myself. I would tell her, “You are doing your best. You love your child fiercely. One day, you’ll trust yourself enough that comments like that won’t shake you.” And it’s true. That day came. And if you’re in that season right now, I promise it will come for you, too.

Two Common Reactions to Powerlessness

Once parents begin to realize how little control they actually have, they usually go one of two ways:

• Clamp Down Harder.  More rules, less flexibility, fewer choices for the child. It’s an understandable response to fear, but it leads to burnout and disconnection.
• Surrender and Grow.  This path is harder at first. It means tolerating discomfort, grieving lost expectations, and sitting with uncertainty. But it’s the path that leads to peace, presence, and true connection with your child.

When I hear a parent say, “My child still struggles, but we’ve changed—and that’s made all the difference,” I know they’ve found the freedom that comes from letting go.

Redefining Success

Parenting isn’t about controlling outcomes.  In fact, that is entirely impossible.  
It’s about showing up with love.
It’s about being the steady presence your child can rely on.
It’s about becoming the kind of person your child feels safe with, especially when things are hard.

At the end of the day, success looks like this:

Did I respond with compassion today?

Did I lead with patience and clarity?

Did I show my child that love is unconditional?

When we stop letting other people’s opinions shape our decisions, when we stop trying to control what’s out of our reach, we find something better: grounded confidence. Real peace. Authentic connection.

What I Know For Sure

There are a lot of ways to be a good parent. But all of them begin with being good to yourself.

Being a good parent doesn’t mean your child never struggles.
It means staying close through the struggle.
It means tending to your own mind and body because you are your child’s greatest resource.

Let others have their opinions.
You don’t have to listen.
You don’t have to explain.
You get to protect your peace—and lead with love.

That’s not letting go.
That’s rising up.