Staying Connected When Parenting Feels Like Survival Mode

Melody Aguayo • May 30, 2025

We’re often drawn to our partners because they bring something different to the table. That difference might feel exciting in the beginning—balancing us out or offering a fresh way of seeing the world. But under chronic stress, those same differences can turn into tension. Most couples respond to challenges in opposite ways. What once felt complementary can start to feel conflicting when life gets heavy.


If you're raising children with a history of early adversity or complex needs, you may be living in an extended season of stress. Crisis isn't occasional—it’s the backdrop. Supporting your children and maintaining a strong, connected partnership in the middle of this takes intention. You are each other’s best ally. Don’t let the weight of it all pull you away from the one person who truly understands what it’s like to parent your child.


Notice the Good Stuff

Our personalities don't shift much over time. If you stop to think about it, your partner probably still does many of the things that made you fall in love with them—you're just too overwhelmed to see it clearly. Try this: when your partner is away for a night or two, pay attention to how their absence affects the daily flow. Is bedtime harder without them? Does making breakfast feel lonelier?


Take a few minutes each night to jot down three things your partner did that day that you appreciate—big or small. Did they make the coffee? Sit with your child through a meltdown? Make you laugh? This simple habit can start to rebuild affection and change how you see your partner.

Choose Compassion

In any close relationship, we all crave the same two things: to be fully seen and fully valued. Parenting—especially parenting kids with trauma histories—exposes our rawest selves. It stretches our limits. We yell when we meant to comfort, we withdraw when we meant to connect.


When your partner is at their lowest, offer grace instead of critique. The most meaningful moments in my marriage haven’t been the romantic ones—they’ve been the times my husband saw me unravel and loved me anyway. We are often the only adults who truly understand what this parenting life is like for each other. That solidarity matters more than almost anything else.


Let Go of Blame

Blame is the fastest way to build a wall between you. I still remember being furious at my spouse for microwaving something late at night and triggering our sensory-sensitive daughter. It sparked a meltdown and another hour of trying to calm her. But it wasn’t the microwave's fault—or his. It was our daughter's trauma brain responding to something unpredictable.


In high-stress homes, there will always be triggers. It's not about avoiding them all—it’s about remembering that your partner is not the enemy. Remind each other of this often. Make space to be imperfect without assigning fault.

Make Time for Each Other

There was a long stretch of years when we couldn’t go on dates without being called home within 30 minutes. Eventually, we stopped trying to leave the house and started doing "lock-in dates." We’d order our favorite food, give the kids something fun and screen-based (which was a big treat for them), and escape to the bedroom for a few hours. We expected interruptions, but we protected that time fiercely.


Now, decades later, I believe those nights helped keep our marriage rooted. Connection doesn’t require perfection—just consistency. Don’t wait until life gets easier to invest in your relationship. Distance creeps in quietly, and rebuilding connection later can be so much harder than maintaining it now.


Normalize Support for Yourselves

We’re quick to sign our kids up for therapy or extra support—but when’s the last time you checked in on your own emotional needs? Your well-being matters. You are a vital resource for your child. Seeking support for yourself—whether through therapy, coaching, or a safe friend—is not indulgent. It’s essential.


Think Like a Team

One of the most powerful phrases in a high-stress home is, “We’re on the same team.” When things feel overwhelming, say it out loud. Better yet, sit down and write out your shared goals as parents. You’ll likely find that you both want the same things for your child—you just go about it differently.


Play to your strengths. Maybe your partner is the calm one during midnight wakeups, while you’re the one who can decode your child’s emotional storm from the school day. You’re not doing it wrong—you’re doing it differently. Lean into that. Ask for help in specific ways, like “Can you handle bedtime tonight? I’ve been in meetings all day and I’m fried.” Or “Would you mind prepping dinner while I talk to the OT?”


Feeling supported in your strengths changes everything.


This path may be filled with intensity and exhaustion, but it also offers unexpected gifts—laughter in the chaos, depth in the partnership, a sharpened sense of what really matters. With intention and teamwork, your relationship can survive the hardest seasons—and come out stronger on the other side.

Why Mindset Work Doesn’t Always Work for Our Kids (Or for Us) And what to do instead

By Melody Aguayo • June 26, 2025
We hear a lot about the power of mindset. From school posters to parenting podcasts, the message is clear: Positive thinking = success. And for the most part, mindset tools like affirmations, growth language, and gratitude journaling can be genuinely helpful.

Grow What’s Good: Why Focusing on Strengths Works Better Than Constant Correction

By Melody Aguayo • June 19, 2025
In parenting, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of constant correction. From the moment a child wakes up to the time they go to bed, there are endless opportunities to redirect, remind, and reprimand. But here’s the truth: constant correction rarely produces the change we hope for. Instead, it builds resistance, shame,

Siblings in the Shadows: Growing Up in the Background of Big Needs

By Melody Aguayo • May 23, 2025
“When will I get a brother who actually plays with me?” my daughter asked one afternoon, her voice casual but her meaning anything but. “What do you mean?” I asked gently. She replied, “You know, one who doesn’t get so crazy and can help me with stuff.”

Setting Boundaries with Hope: When Your Adult Child Causes Harm

By Melody Aguayo • May 16, 2025
Navigating abusive behavior from an adult child can feel like one of the most emotionally devastating and confusing experiences a parent can endure. Consider this: a 22 year old son is still living at home. He doesn’t allow his parents to require anything of him. If they do, he curses at them or breaks something. He is only pleasant when the food he wants is in the fridge and nothing is asked of him. He takes what he wants without permission and at times even pawns his parents things for cash. No one in the family feels emotionally or physically safe anymore.

Letting Go Without Giving Up: Finding Strength In Surrendering Control

By Melody Aguayo • May 9, 2025
The Toll of Control The constant striving to manage what’s outside of us leaves us emotionally drained. It creates a persistent hum of anxiety that dulls our joy and hijacks the present moment. We begin to measure our success by our child’s behavior or the approval of others. We get stuck in cycles of blame—blaming ourselves, our child, the school, the system, our family. We lose our ability to be curious and responsive because we’re too busy being vigilant and defensive. Over time, this wears down our confidence. We stop growing. We stop enjoying our children. We stop enjoying ourselves. What You Can’t Control It helps to name what’s out of our control. Here are some things you simply can’t manage—no matter how much effort you put in: Other people’s opinions and judgments.
Some will misunderstand your parenting or your child. Let them. You don’t owe them an explanation. Their willingness to understand.
You can educate and explain, but you can’t make someone unlearn their biases or do the work to understand neurodiversity. Who shows up.
People you expected to lean on may pull away. Some will show up in imperfect ways. Accept the help that’s offered and let go of what others can’t give. How others react to your child.
There will be awkward stares, insensitive comments, and even exclusion. You can’t control how people respond to what they don’t understand. The stories people tell about you.
Everyone has an opinion. But unless someone is in the trenches with you, their advice doesn’t carry weight. What You Can Control While we don’t get to control everything, we’re far from powerless. There are meaningful, impactful ways we can lead: How we advocate for our child. The boundaries we set and maintain. The tone and energy we bring into our homes. How we respond to ignorance and insensitivity. Who we allow into our inner circle—and who we keep at a distance. This shift—from trying to control outcomes to focusing on what we can influence—is liberating. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process of unlearning, grieving, and slowly rebuilding.

Parenting; Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome

By Melody Aguayo • May 2, 2025
“Sometimes I think about writing a book about our own healing journey,” I told a friend of mine. She responded, “I think you should wait a while, and then you can write about how your kids turn out.” I didn’t have to think long before responding because it is something I had already considered. I said, “That sort of thinking implies that the process was worthless if the outcome isn’t perfect.” The process is what matters. Did you love your child well today? Did you encourage and connect with your child? Outcome parenting is parenting with certain goals in mind. Outcome parenting creates an environment where children feel as though they have to earn their worth, an environment where opportunities for joy are missed because the outcome the parent has in mind remains unachieved. Outcome parenting has few pivotal moments that determine whether or not the child/ parent has been successful. Examples of these pivotal moments would be making the travel soccer team, graduating from college, making the varsity cheerleader squad, staying in honors classes, marrying well, looking a certain way, having the right friends, etc.

Trauma, Boundaries, and the Battle for Safety

By Melody Aguayo • March 28, 2025
To Set Appropriate Boundaries, You Must Have an Experience of Safety Children who have experienced developmental trauma (in the womb or in early childhood) have an over-active arousal system. This means that even if they are safe, they don’t feel safe. This lack of understanding what “safe” feels like creates lots of boundary issues as they get older. The Under-Boundaried Kid “I feel like I can’t let my kid out of my sight.” “My kid would follow someone off a cliff.” “My kids would try any substance that was given to them. They literally have no sense of independence or safety.” These are the types of phrases I hear from parents with under-boundaried kids. These kids do generally well in the right environment, but if there are rotten apples in the bunch, they join them quickly in whatever activity they are engaging in. They may stay out of trouble until they get a phone, and then they begin to unravel at that point. The Over-Boundaried Kid “My child is always ready to fight.” “Honestly, I hate to ask anything of her. I would rather do it myself than deal with her attitude for every small request.” “My kiddo bosses everyone around. I am shocked he still has any friends.” “She doesn’t care if she breaks our rules or makes us upset.” “He just does whatever he wants.” These are some phrases I hear from parents of over-boundaried kids. These kiddos often avoid safety and seek danger out. Safety feels unfamiliar to them. Safety feels boring and eerily peaceful. Yes, kids can also move back and forth between being over-boundaried and under- boundaried as well, which is extra complicated.

Trapped in Toxicity: Protecting Children from Harmful Environments

By Melody Aguayo • March 21, 2025
Be a Good Parent-Detective No child will come to you and say, “I have been placed in a toxic environment where my growth is limited, and my feelings of safety are compromised.” They don’t have the ability to keep themselves safe. I’m always very irritated when I hear of Bully campaigns that put the responsibility on the victim for seeking help and telling adults. In an ideal world that would happen, but that is just not possible for most victimized children. It is the adults’ job to structure the environment for safety, not the kids’ job to keep themselves safe. You just have to learn to recognize the signs, and if you are confused, then go to the child’s suspected toxic environment and gather information. Volunteer in their school or Sunday School class and observe how your child is functioning in those settings. Don’t listen to other adults more than you listen to your child’s behaviors. No one will pay attention to your child the way you do. I have had so many parents say different versions of these statements to me over the years: “The teacher said he was well liked, but when I observed him in his classroom, I could tell he irritated everyone.” “The school counselor says he is doing fine, but anytime I show up at a classroom party, he is hiding from the other kids.” “The soccer coach doesn’t see any issues at all, but when I pick him up from soccer, he is so dysregulated that it takes me all evening to settle him down.” I understand there are times you can’t take a child out of a toxic environment. Let’s say the neighborhood kids are all mean to your kid, and moving is just not a financial option for your family. In these situations, we can do our best to build a hedge of protection around our kids with more structure. You can tell your child that they are not allowed to play with the neighborhood kids, and instead you can figure out a couple of play dates a week with someone who is kind to them. This will be more time and trouble for you, but this teaches your child that we say “no” to toxic environments and nurture safe ones.

How to get free childcare in the summer?

By Melody Aguayo • March 7, 2025
Sign up for every VBS within a 20-minute drive from your home. If you plan it out well and start early, you can end up with 6 or 7 weeks of free childcare. Plus, you have the added benefit of having your kids scream, “Hey, that’s our church!” every time you drive past any chapel in any direction. Do not hold me accountable for the annoying songs your children will sing loudly ALL YEAR LONG even if your eyes start twitching. And you know how you “lose” things you no longer want your kids to play with, watch, or listen to? Well, you can only “lose” two of the song CDs before your kids catch on.

If Adopted Infants Had ACE Scores

By Melody Aguayo • February 21, 2025
I find it interesting that we consider infants to have “risk factors”, but there is no ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score for a newborn. Why is it that infants have “risk factors”, but then as soon as they are born healthy with an Apgar score above 8, everyone breathes a sigh of relief?
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