Setting Boundaries with Hope: When Your Adult Child Causes Harm

Melody Aguayo • May 16, 2025

Navigating abusive behavior from an adult child can feel like one of the most emotionally devastating and confusing experiences a parent can endure. Consider this: a 22 year old son is still living at home. He doesn’t allow his parents to require anything of him. If they do, he curses at them or breaks something. He is only pleasant when the food he wants is in the fridge and nothing is asked of him. He takes what he wants without permission and at times even pawns his parents things for cash. No one in the family feels emotionally or physically safe anymore. This son brings around dangerous people and often makes them very angry, bringing scary drama into the home. The parents love their son deeply and worry about cutting off contact, but the emotional toll is becoming unbearable. They feel stuck between protecting themselves and trying to stay connected.

Abuse from adult children can include emotional attacks, manipulation, destruction of property, theft, gaslighting, or physical aggression. Adults with a history of disorganized attachment are more prone to abusive patterns. Studies estimate that up to 40% of adopted children experience disorganized attachment, with even higher rates in those adopted at older ages. Disorganized attachment is also associated with higher incidences of personality disorders, which are complex to manage and difficult to treat, especially as they typically do not respond to medication.

Many parents feel shame or confusion around identifying their child's behavior as abuse. For years, they may minimize or justify it out of love and loyalty. Eventually, the accumulation of harm becomes undeniable. The question becomes: Do I continue to live like this, or is it time to set limits—even if doing so feels heartbreaking?

There are two healthy reasons to set boundaries:

1) protection and

2) connection. Intimacy can’t exist in a relationship where boundaries are consistently violated. Your well-being matters. One path forward is called "detached contact."

What Is Detached Contact?

Detached contact begins internally. It requires releasing the dream of how your relationship was supposed to be and accepting it for what it is now. This is not a quick or painless process; it is a profound grief. As long as you’re in denial about the abuse or hold on to unrealistic hopes, change will be impossible.

You are allowed to determine what kind of contact feels safe for you. That may mean meeting in public spaces instead of at home. It might look like choosing text messages over phone calls to avoid confrontational conversations. The key is to create a structure where connection is still possible, but not at the expense of your safety or emotional health.

Avoiding the Drama Triangle

Adults who engage in emotional abuse often unconsciously pull others into a drama triangle—casting themselves as victims while assigning others the roles of persecutor or rescuer. Step outside this triangle. Refuse both the bait and the guilt.

Compassion Without Excusing Harm

Yes, your adult child may have a mental illness or addiction. That does not excuse abuse. Compassion and accountability are not mutually exclusive. You can hold space for their struggle without allowing mistreatment.

Keep Reaching—But with Boundaries

Detached contact still includes the word "contact." This means keeping a door open to growth, healing, and change. Continue reaching for your adult child in ways that are emotionally safe for you. Let them know your boundaries are an attempt to preserve the relationship, not end it. You might say, "I love you and want a future with you. But we can’t have a future if you continue to hurt me."

This kind of boundary-setting is often more emotionally demanding than either tolerating abuse or going no-contact. It’s a gray area that few understand unless they’ve lived through it. As a parent, your instinct to protect your child is powerful. But now, you must protect yourself, too.

Many parents justify allowing ongoing abuse by believing their home is the safest place for their child. But often, the only person’s safety being considered is the child’s.

What about your safety?

Your peace? Your other children?

Ask yourself: What decision would I make if every member of this family mattered equally?

Boundaries Don’t Require Permission

You don’t need anyone else’s approval to set boundaries. If you can’t confidently say “no,” then your “yes” is never genuine. Boundaries are not ultimatums—they are the only path toward a healthier relationship.

When you begin to set new boundaries, expect anger. Your adult child will likely push back hard, because you're changing the rules of engagement. That resistance is expected. Some young adults adjust and remain in the home. Others need time away before they are willing to accept the terms. Some may leave in anger. But, in many cases, this estrangement is temporary, especially if you continue to reach out in safe and loving ways.

Boundaries create the possibility—not the guarantee—of future reconciliation. But they are always necessary for your well-being and for any hope of a real, respectful relationship to emerge.

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Letting Go Without Giving Up: Finding Strength In Surrendering Control

By Melody Aguayo • May 9, 2025

The Toll of Control The constant striving to manage what’s outside of us leaves us emotionally drained. It creates a persistent hum of anxiety that dulls our joy and hijacks the present moment. We begin to measure our success by our child’s behavior or the approval of others. We get stuck in cycles of blame—blaming ourselves, our child, the school, the system, our family. We lose our ability to be curious and responsive because we’re too busy being vigilant and defensive. Over time, this wears down our confidence. We stop growing. We stop enjoying our children. We stop enjoying ourselves. What You Can’t Control It helps to name what’s out of our control. Here are some things you simply can’t manage—no matter how much effort you put in: Other people’s opinions and judgments. Some will misunderstand your parenting or your child. Let them. You don’t owe them an explanation. Their willingness to understand. You can educate and explain, but you can’t make someone unlearn their biases or do the work to understand neurodiversity. Who shows up. People you expected to lean on may pull away. Some will show up in imperfect ways. Accept the help that’s offered and let go of what others can’t give. How others react to your child. There will be awkward stares, insensitive comments, and even exclusion. You can’t control how people respond to what they don’t understand. The stories people tell about you. Everyone has an opinion. But unless someone is in the trenches with you, their advice doesn’t carry weight. What You Can Control While we don’t get to control everything, we’re far from powerless. There are meaningful, impactful ways we can lead: How we advocate for our child. The boundaries we set and maintain. The tone and energy we bring into our homes. How we respond to ignorance and insensitivity. Who we allow into our inner circle—and who we keep at a distance. This shift—from trying to control outcomes to focusing on what we can influence—is liberating. But it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a process of unlearning, grieving, and slowly rebuilding.

Parenting; Focus on the Process, Not the Outcome

By Melody Aguayo • May 2, 2025

“Sometimes I think about writing a book about our own healing journey,” I told a friend of mine. She responded, “I think you should wait a while, and then you can write about how your kids turn out.” I didn’t have to think long before responding because it is something I had already considered. I said, “That sort of thinking implies that the process was worthless if the outcome isn’t perfect.” The process is what matters. Did you love your child well today? Did you encourage and connect with your child? Outcome parenting is parenting with certain goals in mind. Outcome parenting creates an environment where children feel as though they have to earn their worth, an environment where opportunities for joy are missed because the outcome the parent has in mind remains unachieved. Outcome parenting has few pivotal moments that determine whether or not the child/ parent has been successful. Examples of these pivotal moments would be making the travel soccer team, graduating from college, making the varsity cheerleader squad, staying in honors classes, marrying well, looking a certain way, having the right friends, etc.

Trauma, Boundaries, and the Battle for Safety

By Melody Aguayo • March 28, 2025

To Set Appropriate Boundaries, You Must Have an Experience of Safety Children who have experienced developmental trauma (in the womb or in early childhood) have an over-active arousal system. This means that even if they are safe, they don’t feel safe. This lack of understanding what “safe” feels like creates lots of boundary issues as they get older. The Under-Boundaried Kid “I feel like I can’t let my kid out of my sight.” “My kid would follow someone off a cliff.” “My kids would try any substance that was given to them. They literally have no sense of independence or safety.” These are the types of phrases I hear from parents with under-boundaried kids. These kids do generally well in the right environment, but if there are rotten apples in the bunch, they join them quickly in whatever activity they are engaging in. They may stay out of trouble until they get a phone, and then they begin to unravel at that point. The Over-Boundaried Kid “My child is always ready to fight.” “Honestly, I hate to ask anything of her. I would rather do it myself than deal with her attitude for every small request.” “My kiddo bosses everyone around. I am shocked he still has any friends.” “She doesn’t care if she breaks our rules or makes us upset.” “He just does whatever he wants.” These are some phrases I hear from parents of over-boundaried kids. These kiddos often avoid safety and seek danger out. Safety feels unfamiliar to them. Safety feels boring and eerily peaceful. Yes, kids can also move back and forth between being over-boundaried and under- boundaried as well, which is extra complicated.

Trapped in Toxicity: Protecting Children from Harmful Environments

By Melody Aguayo • March 21, 2025

Be a Good Parent-Detective No child will come to you and say, “I have been placed in a toxic environment where my growth is limited, and my feelings of safety are compromised.” They don’t have the ability to keep themselves safe. I’m always very irritated when I hear of Bully campaigns that put the responsibility on the victim for seeking help and telling adults. In an ideal world that would happen, but that is just not possible for most victimized children. It is the adults’ job to structure the environment for safety, not the kids’ job to keep themselves safe. You just have to learn to recognize the signs, and if you are confused, then go to the child’s suspected toxic environment and gather information. Volunteer in their school or Sunday School class and observe how your child is functioning in those settings. Don’t listen to other adults more than you listen to your child’s behaviors. No one will pay attention to your child the way you do. I have had so many parents say different versions of these statements to me over the years: “The teacher said he was well liked, but when I observed him in his classroom, I could tell he irritated everyone.” “The school counselor says he is doing fine, but anytime I show up at a classroom party, he is hiding from the other kids.” “The soccer coach doesn’t see any issues at all, but when I pick him up from soccer, he is so dysregulated that it takes me all evening to settle him down.” I understand there are times you can’t take a child out of a toxic environment. Let’s say the neighborhood kids are all mean to your kid, and moving is just not a financial option for your family. In these situations, we can do our best to build a hedge of protection around our kids with more structure. You can tell your child that they are not allowed to play with the neighborhood kids, and instead you can figure out a couple of play dates a week with someone who is kind to them. This will be more time and trouble for you, but this teaches your child that we say “no” to toxic environments and nurture safe ones.

How to get free childcare in the summer?

By Melody Aguayo • March 7, 2025

Sign up for every VBS within a 20-minute drive from your home. If you plan it out well and start early, you can end up with 6 or 7 weeks of free childcare. Plus, you have the added benefit of having your kids scream, “Hey, that’s our church!” every time you drive past any chapel in any direction. Do not hold me accountable for the annoying songs your children will sing loudly ALL YEAR LONG even if your eyes start twitching. And you know how you “lose” things you no longer want your kids to play with, watch, or listen to? Well, you can only “lose” two of the song CDs before your kids catch on.

If Adopted Infants Had ACE Scores

By Melody Aguayo • February 21, 2025

I find it interesting that we consider infants to have “risk factors”, but there is no ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score for a newborn. Why is it that infants have “risk factors”, but then as soon as they are born healthy with an Apgar score above 8, everyone breathes a sigh of relief?

The Differences in Sexual Development in Children with Complex Trauma

By Melody Aguayo • February 14, 2025

Sometimes I think organizations hire me just to talk about things like “masturbation”. When is the last time a parent posted on Facebook about their kindergartner, “Noel just showed the neighbor her vagina and asked to see his penis!” Or how about, “I caught Miles looking at pornography for the third time!” Both of these things are about as common as someone winning the cross country meet, but they aren’t discussed. Parents are discreet about sex, and by the time most kids go through puberty, the kids understand this discretion. However, this isn’t true of all kids.

When Meeting Kids’ Needs Is No Longer Fun

By Melody Aguayo • February 7, 2025

“You have never had to do anything this hard in your life,” our teen son said to us after being given the job of raking and moving an enormous pile of leaves to the front yard. We burst into laughter. He felt so persecuted, when in reality he could move those leaves a thousand times, and it wouldn’t come close to the amount of time, energy, agony, stress, effort, and money that we have put into raising him. Kids are naturally self-centered. Even the most responsible, hard- working, compassionate kids are naturally self-serving.

When Parents Lose Their Minds over “Flip Sequin” Shirts

By Melody Aguayo • January 30, 2025

There is a new fad called “brush changing sequins”. You can find these appealing, brushing sequins on everything from key chains to bedspreads. I had a little girl come into my office with a flip sequin t-shirt on the other day. It was dark blue with a large, glittery silver heart on the front. I am thirty-seven, almost thirty-eight years old, and let me tell you that I had to restrain myself from reaching out and brushing the sequins up and down on her shirt.

Window of Tolerance

By Melody Aguayo • January 23, 2025

"We all have a window of tolerance. When we are operating outside of that window, we behave badly. This window is widening or shrinking, depending on what happens during the day. When we sleep well, eat well, and get the physical movement that we need, our window is larger. Every choice we make during the day either enlarges the window or shrinks it. Every trauma that a person endures shrinks that window of tolerance.