Trapped in Toxicity: Protecting Children from Harmful Environments

Melody Aguayo • March 21, 2025

My First Experience in a Toxic Environment

My parents moved to Russia when I was a teenager. I was registered to attend our local Russian public school. I was bullied daily and quickly understood I needed to escape. Every single day, I pretended to go to school and then skipped school as soon as I could manage to leave without getting caught. A sweet janitor helped me hide and escape multiple times. She had the keys to the coat closet, and she would let me hide there and then let me out once classes had started. Before this experience and after this experience, I was a top student, a teacher’s pet, and I even graduated high school valedictorian. My poor behaviors had nothing to do with me being bad and everything to do with me surviving the toxic environment I was placed in. Fortunately, I had experienced the safety of nurturing environments my entire life up until that point, so my narrative never turned into self-blame or shame.

Children Often Can’t Leave a Toxic Environment Without Your Help

Even if I had wanted to leave Russia, and I did desperately, I couldn’t manage that exodus on my own. We were a 24 hour train ride from the nearest international airport. There was literally no way for me to escape unless my parents used their adult power and resources to rescue me.

Toxic environments bring out very poor behaviors in all of us, regardless of our age. The difference between children and adults is that adults can typically choose to leave their toxic environment and children cannot. Children can’t move neighborhoods, schools, or churches on their own. They are locked into the environments we determine for them through our choices. As parents, we have to use our power to try to keep our children in healthy environments, even if it’s highly inconvenient for us. You see, childhood is the formation of possibilities. This means that if it doesn’t happen in childhood, typically your child will NOT think it is even possible to have this option later in life. If they are stuck in a toxic environment as a child, then they will feel like that is where they belong. They will seek out other toxic environments as they grow older because that is the only thing they understand. The complex thing about our kids is that the greater their impairments, the harder it becomes to find a learning and nurturing environment for them. Every parent I coach struggles with this at some point.

Maybe a school that is a good fit for one of our children is a toxic environment for another child. Are we willing or able to deal with two school schedules and a daily commute to get our child out of a toxic environment? Are we willing to change soccer leagues to protect our child? Are we willing to change churches? Are we willing to stop socializing with people who create toxic environments for our kids?

Some Signs That Your Children May Be in a Toxic Environment:
They start to break rules they have never broken before.
They avoid activities that used to be fun for them.
Their self-esteem visibly plummets.
They are expressing anxiety over small things.
They are experiencing digestive issues or daily aches and pains without a clear source for the pain.
They start struggling to sleep at night or start having nightmares.
They become more dependent on you and lose some of their independent skills.

Be a Good Parent-Detective

No child will come to you and say, “I have been placed in a toxic environment where my growth is limited, and my feelings of safety are compromised.” They don’t have the ability to keep themselves safe. I’m always very irritated when I hear of Bully campaigns that put the responsibility on the victim for seeking help and telling adults. In an ideal world that would happen, but that is just not possible for most victimized children. It is the adults’ job to structure the environment for safety, not the kids’ job to keep themselves safe.

You just have to learn to recognize the signs, and if you are confused, then go to the child’s suspected toxic environment and gather information. Volunteer in their school or Sunday School class and observe how your child is functioning in those settings. Don’t listen to other adults more than you listen to your child’s behaviors. No one will pay attention to your child the way you do. I have had so many parents say different versions of these statements to me over the years:

“The teacher said he was well liked, but when I observed him in his classroom, I could tell he irritated everyone.”

“The school counselor says he is doing fine, but anytime I show up at a classroom party, he is hiding from the other kids.”

“The soccer coach doesn’t see any issues at all, but when I pick him up from soccer, he is so dysregulated that it takes me all evening to settle him down.”

I understand there are times you can’t take a child out of a toxic environment. Let’s say the neighborhood kids are all mean to your kid, and moving is just not a financial option for your family. In these situations, we can do our best to build a hedge of protection around our kids with more structure. You can tell your child that they are not allowed to play with the neighborhood kids, and instead you can figure out a couple of play dates a week with someone who is kind to them. This will be more time and trouble for you, but this teaches your child that we say “no” to toxic environments and nurture safe ones.

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Trapped in Toxicity: Protecting Children from Harmful Environments

Some Signs That Your Children May Be in a Toxic Environment: