Trauma, Boundaries, and the Battle for Safety

Melody Aguayo • March 28, 2025

To Set Appropriate Boundaries, You Must Have an Experience of Safety


Children who have experienced developmental trauma (in the womb or in early childhood) have an over-active arousal system. This means that even if they are safe, they don’t feel safe. This lack of understanding what “safe” feels like creates lots of boundary issues as they get older. 


The Under-Boundaried Kid


“I feel like I can’t let my kid out of my sight.”

“My kid would follow someone off a cliff.”

“My kids would try any substance that was given to them. They literally have no sense of independence or safety.” 


These are the types of phrases I hear from parents with under-boundaried kids. These kids do generally well in the right environment, but if there are rotten apples in the bunch, they join them quickly in whatever activity they are engaging in. They may stay out of trouble until they get a phone, and then they begin to unravel at that point. 


The Over-Boundaried Kid


“My child is always ready to fight.” 

“Honestly, I hate to ask anything of her. I would rather do it myself than deal with her attitude for every small request.”

“My kiddo bosses everyone around. I am shocked he still has any friends.” 

“She doesn’t care if she breaks our rules or makes us upset.” 

“He just does whatever he wants.” 


These are some phrases I hear from parents of over-boundaried kids. These kiddos often avoid safety and seek danger out. Safety feels unfamiliar to them. Safety feels boring and eerily peaceful. Yes, kids can also move back and forth between being over-boundaried and under- boundaried as well, which is extra complicated. 

Help Your Child Recognize or Find Safe Spaces


Setting boundaries in the right way and at the right time is a very sophisticated skill.  I don’t expect any child or teen to do it very well, but we at least want them to start to recognize when it is necessary.  We can help our kids pay attention to the friends that make them feel better about themselves.  We can point out that every time they spend time with next-door Joey, they get in trouble.  We can demonstrate safe boundaries and talk through them with our kids.  We can point out the times and spaces where  kids are the most regulated and enjoyable.  We can create opportunities for more spaces like these for our kids.  This process will take time, years actually. It can’t be rushed, and it can’t be learned with lectures.  We have to understand what a healthy relationship looks like and be able to participate in that relationship in order to move toward healthy boundary setting.  

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Some will misunderstand your parenting or your child. Let them. You don’t owe them an explanation. Their willingness to understand.
You can educate and explain, but you can’t make someone unlearn their biases or do the work to understand neurodiversity. Who shows up.
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There will be awkward stares, insensitive comments, and even exclusion. You can’t control how people respond to what they don’t understand. The stories people tell about you.
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